I was at the gym the other day doing my regular cardio routine. In front of me, was this spandex-clad fat broad on the treadmill. After grabbing a towel to clean up my fresh vomit from both the floor and my shirt, I decided to tough it out and continue working out.
She was blond. Dyed probably. She was sporting a matching purple set of spandex top and shorts. The top can be more accurately described as a bra, if you’d call it that. It looked as though it might be near rupture under the strain and could probably put somebody’s eye out when and if it broke. Her back was glistening with sweat, which could mean she was either getting in some good cardio, or she just arrived and waddled in from her car.
Every 10 minutes she would stop for a break to grab a hit from her water bottle and in doing so, bend over and show me her huge sweaty ass. Being the sadistic bastard that I am, I looked. After getting another towel and again cleaning up the protein shake I had just lost all over the machine, I went back to work.
Developing between her huge, monstrous thighs was a spot. A rather large spot of sweat, which turned her purple shorts dark purple and was slowly creeping out in all directions, probably in a desperate attempt to flee before mold, fungus, and disease set in.
Mmmm, doughnuts!
When she was finished with her nauseous, fat-body workout, she rolled off the machine and began to smear the towel about her gluttonous corpse, ignoring the many creases and crevasses where I’m certain one could find many missing remotes, several jelly doughnuts kept moist by the excessive heat and sweat created by the constant skin on skin friction, and perhaps even Jimmy Hoffa. She then bent over for her water and headed for the door. Luckily, I had nothing left in my stomach.
Bless her fat little heart. I mean, at least she was in the gym working out right? I’m just glad she didn’t go into cardiac arrest in front of me. If I had to give her mouth to mouth I’d have to go home and shoot myself in the face with my shotgun.
I may have to look in my spam folder now for an ad on Viagra or Cialis or something. I don’t think I’ll be able to function properly for the rest of my life.
Caveman Conclusion: Fat chicks should be properly cleaned, seasoned, and consumed for holiday feasts.
Posted in Health and Fitness | 10 Comments »
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