I will not lessen this post with too many words. Chicks who drink beer are sexy and slutty… perfect!
Caveman Conclusion: Women who drink beer have more sex.
My usual morning routine consists of getting out of bed, urinating, weighing myself, showering, getting dressed, and making a cup of coffee all the while scratching, shuffling, and adjusting my giant man parts. This morning started off with a slight snag however, I was out of milk for my requisite cup of Joe.
As I marched angrily out the door and into the cold to retrieve the ingredients to properly prepare my breakfast confections, I had no idea I was about to have my wallet raped like a 13 year old boy at a NAMBLA meeting upon reaching the register.
“$4.75,” she said.
“For milk?”
“Yep.”
“Christ,” I said, “are you serious?”
I slipped her a ten like I was taking part in a drug deal, my ass puckered with contempt.
Did I just purchase milk from a golden uddered cow or what? How the hell could they be charging that much for a simple gallon of milk?
I was disgusted. Everything is going up and up like mad. It’s getting harder and harder to make it these days.
Honey, bust out one of those suckers, Papi needs a squirt of milk for his coffee!
Caveman Conclusion: To sustain life all one needs is access to a good set of hooters.
Mmmm I love meat. I am one serious carnivore. Today there was a meat sale at my local grocery. Since I am on a low carb diet and I workout and need tons of protein and love it so much, I tend to eat a lot of it. A lot. I bought so much meat that I piled it all up to sort it out and wrap it all up. I like to wrap the steak individually, it makes it easier.
The photo below is of all of the meat. From left to right and top to bottom they are: chicken breast, pork tenderloin, ground round, beef roast, bacon, fish (cod and tilapia), ham, ribeye steaks, and New York steaks.
My wife was kind enough to wrap it all up for me in freezer paper. Actually, I threatened to kick her round steak if she refused. She even labeled the steaks for me, “R” is for ribeye, and “NY” is for New York.
I eat a lot of chicken too, but I already have a lot of that in the freezer. It should be a long time before I have to shop for meat again.
I don’t recall ever buying this much meat at once. It just seemed like it needed to be photographed. Yum! My mouth is watering. I’m thinking ribeye for dinner.
By the way, I bought approximately 75 pounds of meat and it cost $213. That’s $2.84 per pound. Not bad.
Caveman Conclusion: PETA can kiss my big hairy arse.
Please read Part 1 and Part 2.
Well my friends, I’m sorry to say that I have failed. I am not much of a beggar. My efforts to secure tasty adult beverages for free have proven fruitless indeed. So, I decided to ask for other crap just to see if I could get anything from them. I replied to the stuffy secretary with the following email.
“Ok, I digress. I really love Sierra Nevada Pale Ale though. Could you maybe send me a bunch of your promotional items? Like maybe a hat, shirt, beer mug, an autographed picture of your sweet arse in a Sierra Nevada bikini perhaps?”
I was kind of hoping that a little flirtation would aid in my efforts. I was wrong.
“We appreciate your tenacity regarding the procurement of free items, but we cannot send hats and t-shirts to everyone who asks. And a lot do.”
While I completely understand their decision not to give me free items, I really wish they had been more honest about why. That is the way of things now. I get it. They must massage and sanitize their correspondence to sound as though they would love to do it, but can’t due to circumstances beyond their control. They should know that I know the truth. Just tell me “NO” you bastards instead of jerking me off with false reasoning.
For the record, although I am disappointed, I do enjoy the beer and will continue to buy it. It’s the same reason people hate WalMart but continue to shop there. You may hate the way WalMart takes over towns by driving out small businesses and treats their employees like Kathy Lee Gifford sweatshop workers, but you are consumers and therefore understand that a bargain trumps all that other stuff despite the fact that the made in China shit you just bought will break after 6 weeks.
Really though, they did not even have to reply to my emails. It’s like those street beggars asking you for spare change. You know you have change in your pocket that you could give, but tell them no and keep walking. You are not required to tell them the truth. You do not owe them the truth. And besides, is any money really spare anyway? No.
Caveman Conclusion: If you ask to be anally raped don’t be surprised if they oblige you.
Over a year ago I completely tore my anterior cruciate ligament (ACL). The ACL is a ligament in the knee. I was stupid. Not regular stupid, I was Corky from Life Goes On stupid. Here is what happened.
I had just bought my first home. It was a brand new home out in the sticks on an acre with a brand new toilet that had never been desecrated. I was happy. I took a brief break from moving and decided to celebrate with a few Rolling Rock.
After about six beers, for some reason I thought I would continue the celebration by performing a few stunts on my dirt bike. A total redneck move, I know. Just as you have by now guessed, this is where things went horribly wrong.
Now, I consider myself a decent rider. I don’t race, never have, and can’t hit jumps like those guys do, but I can ride around pretty good and hit tiny jumps like a pro. I have a 2001 Honda CR250 (pic at right), which is fast as hell. Previous to this incident I took a weekend trip and practiced my wheelie pulling all day. I was pretty good at it.
It is true what they say about alcohol reducing your reaction time. I pulled the throttle back and due to my impairment, didn’t roll it back off soon enough. I flipped the bike, fell off and totally jacked up my knee. It hurt. It hurt a lot. If you’ve ever had somebody hit you with a sledge hammer then you understand. I went to the hospital where they took x-rays and told me I had torn my ACL.
Tomorrow I go in for surgery to repair it. The doc says it’ll be stronger than before. They are going to take a cadaver tendon and replace my torn ligament with it by screwing it into both bones. Sounds gross. I will have dead person parts in me.
I wonder if having someone’s body parts changes you. You know, like if I get a Mexican then I’ll start craving refried beans or start saying “jes” instead of “yes” or something. If so, I hope it’s a male at least. If I start posting crap about how I enjoyed the sunset or my monthly cycle then you know I got stuck with a female part.
So… I will be out for a bit.
Caveman Conclusion: Stupid hurts.
Loading ...
Subscribe By Email
